She was built upon sand, She was dust.

June 8, 2018

She+was+built+upon+sand%2C+She+was+dust.

I just want to be happy. To live the life i’m supposed to live. I can never seem to do it though because my mind is always somewhere else. You’ll never know what goes on in my head, because i’ll never tell you. You try to help me, but you’ll never be able to get me out of the emptiness I’ve dug for myself. In my mind, I see your smiling face… It only makes me feel more guilty. I’m conflicted, stuck between two extremes. I’m a bad influence and I should stay away.

I should stop lying to you, I should stop pretending to be someone i’m not. But in the end, i’m lonely. In the end, I need you here in order to snap back to reality. They keep on leaving, and you’re the only one I have left. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you anymore. It really bothers me. I’ve been pushing you away just like I’ve pushed away all of my problems. Don’t take it personally, that’s just who I am, that’s who I’ve become.

I don’t know if she will ever come back, but i’ll do my best to pretend to be her so that you don’t get startled by the person behind the mask. I’m slowly breaking, and this porcelain mask won’t stay in tact for long. So i’ll tell you something before I go, you are a great person, but I don’t deserve to have you by my side. I’m sorry that we grew apart, I wish we hadn’t. I know this is going to hurt, but it’s better this way so that I won’t get the chance to break you too.

I’m giving you this heads up before there’s no way out. Please run. Run as fast as you can. I’m not someone you want to be around. I’ll corrode your life if you keep me in it. Even if I try to change, we all know that’s more than likely to never happen. I’ve been attempting to since I can remember, but I just didn’t start this life out right. I feel bad for that little girl that had her whole life awaiting her. She was so happy, innocent, full of hope. It breaks my heart that I turned her into this monster that I can’t seem to run away from. I ruined her life, I ruined her future, and I don’t want to do the same to you. So as much as this hurts, take this excuse and leave, you’re not welcome here anymore.

I’m not the person I used to be, we both have changed. She is gone, long gone, and I don’t think she’s coming back. She was built upon sand, she was dust. It was a matter of time before her little sand castle was washed away by the waves and now you’re left with what she really is. Once those walls of sand were washed away, this is the impostor you’re left with and I refuse to pretend that everything is fine. I refuse to pretend that I will rebuild what has already been washed away because that will only be another lie.

This is reality. I’m falling apart, i’m on the ground, I brought this upon myself and you can’t fix a sand castle once it has been touched by the waves. Things just won’t ever be the same. I’m sorry, but this is the truth so please just go. Stay away from this ordeal, you have no part in it. The person you’re looking for is no longer here, but truthfully, was she even real to begin with?

Photo via Pixabay under the Creative Commons license

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